The Pain of Living
by ChoCedric
Summary: On her first full day back at Hogwarts, what did Cho think of her first class with Professor Umbridge? How did it feel to get back into the swing of things, to experience Hogwarts again, and all the painful memories it brought? Out of everything that was going on, she dearly wishes she didn't have to deal with this Defense teacher.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Author's Note: This was originally part of a chaptered story about Cho, but since I couldn't finish it, I turned it into a one-shot.

The Pain of Living

By: ChoCedric

The morning after school started, Cho awoke and dressed in the Ravenclaw dormitory. She didn't talk much to any of her friends, for she was still pretty upset from the night before. Professor Umbridge, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, had prattled on and on about the curriculum at Hogwarts, and she had been able to work out that the Ministry was interfering. It seemed as though her friends, Amanda and Meghan didn't want to talk to her either, and Marietta just said she was really tired. Cho was glad; she didn't want to hear over and over again that Cedric's lifeless eyes staring at the wailing crowd on the Quidditch pitch had been caused by a tragic accident. It was murder, and she knew it like she knew the back of her hand.

The first class she had that morning was Potions. It went okay, for Cho managed to brew her potion correctly. Thankfully, Snape didn't make any snide comments, for which Cho was grateful.

After class, she was walking by herself without her friends. She reflected on this as she walked out into the courtyard for break. Last year she would have been surrounded by whispering and giggling, but her friends now wanted to avoid her just because her boyfriend had been brutally murdered. Even though she didn't want to talk to them now, she was still so upset that they'd practically abandoned her. Her mood swings were taking her all over the place, and everywhere she went, she could see Cedric's lifeless eyes, the look of shock, vulnerability, and fear frozen on his handsome face for eternity.

The image continued to singe itself into her mind as she kept walking, but then, suddenly, she found herself face-to-face with Harry Potter. She stapled a smile onto her face, for she saw that his friends Ron and Hermione were there also.

She remembered how he'd been covered in the stinksap the day before, and by the expression on Harry's face, he was remembering that also. "You got that stuff off, then?" she asked.

"Yeah," Harry answered. "So did you ... er ... have a good summer?"

My God! thought Cho. How insensitive could he be? Did she have a good summer? Well, if you think that constantly seeing your love's dead body on the Quidditch pitch in your mind's eye constitutes a good summer, then you're really thick. She felt a little guilty, for Harry then blushed and she knew he'd only been trying to be nice. But since he was the one with Cedric when he was snatched away, shouldn't he know how she felt?

But she answered, "Oh, it was all right, you know. ..."

"Is that a Tornados badge?" Harry's friend Ron demanded rudely. "You don't support them, do you?"

"Yeah, I do," replied Cho, wondering where this sudden questioning was leading to.

"Have you always supported them, or just since they started winning the league?" demanded Ron.

"I've supported them since I was six," said Cho frostily, suddenly wanting to be anywhere else but here. How dare Ron belittle her for her Quidditch tastes! She'd heard Ron supported the Cannons, who were the most pathetic team in the league in her opinion. "Anyway ... see you, Harry."

With that, she marched off to her next class, Defense Against the Dark Arts, wishing Cedric were there to have a nice, pleasant, normal conversation with her. Cho could see the bigger picture of life now: every moment was there to cherish. Was bloody Quidditch all people cared about, even after such a horrific tragedy had taken place less than four months ago?

She suddenly felt incredibly lonely. Where were her friends when she needed them? She'd been happy this morning that they weren't talking to her, but now, suddenly, she needed someone. Is that what friends did, abandon someone just because they were feeling sad? Some friends, Cho thought bitterly.

She was also not looking forward to a class with Dolores Umbridge. She didn't want to hear about how the Ministry were taking steps to improve the education of students at Hogwarts. She already hated her simpering smile and her honey-sweet voice. Oh, Cedric, she thought sadly. I miss you so, so damn much!

When she arrived at the classroom, she dropped into a seat next to Marietta. Umbridge was already in the room, and she was once again wearing her fluffy pink cardigan from the night before, and she had bows in her hair.

Once everyone was seated, she trilled, "Good morning, class!"

"Good morning, Professor Umbridge," some of the class mumbled despondently, Cho among them.

"Oh, no, no, no, no!" tinkled Umbridge. "That is not how we do it! When I say good morning to you all, I expect you to all say loudly and clearly, "Good morning, Professor Umbridge." So let's try that again, shall we? Good morning, class!"

Cho felt another surge of hatred bubble up within her. "Good morning, Professor Umbridge," the class responded.

"Very good, very good!" simpered Umbridge. "Now, wands away. There will be none of that now."

Obediently but sullenly, everyone put their wands away. Umbridge got out her own wand, and tapped the blackboard with it. Suddenly, words appeared there, which said:

Defense Against the Dark Arts

A Return to Basic Principles

"Well, this subject for you has been rather fragmented, hasn't it?" said Umbridge. "With the teachers constantly changing, you are below average for your sixth year. You will be happy to know, however, that this year we will be following a Ministry-approved curriculum."

Snore, snore, thought Cho with great animosity. If Voldemort really was back, the students needed to learn how to defend themselves; Cho didn't want to lose any more people like she had lost Cedric. And Umbridge teaching like this would only make the prospect of more people dying even bigger.

"Copy down the following, please," continued Umbridge in her sugary voice, tapping the blackboard with her wand again. More words appeared there, underneath the message already in place.

Course aims:

1. Understanding the principles underlying defensive magic.

2. Learning to recognize situations in which defensive magic can legally be used.

3. Placing the use of defensive magic in a context for practical use.

Cho copied the information down, feeling nauseated by the whole experience. She could see that other people in the room were also looking uncomfortable. Well, they should be! Cho thought furiously.

"has everyone got a copy of their textbook?" Umbridge asked.

Some yes, Professor's were heard throughout the room.

"Oh, no, no, no, no!" trilled Umbridge. "That is not good at all! When I ask a question, I expect you to say "Yes, Professor Umbridge," or "No, Professor Umbridge." Has everyone got a copy of their textbook?"

"Yes, Professor Umbridge," the class said in one voice.

"Good," smiled Umbridge. "I would like you all, please, to turn to page five, and read chapter one."

So Cho did. It was extremely dull work, and Cho felt angry tears spring to her eyes which blurred her vision. Nothing in the chapter explained about how to defend yourself from attack. She still didn't know exactly how Cedric had been struck down, but at least the Ministry should be helping people learn about different ways to keep yourself from being attacked! Without being able to help it, she raised her hand.

Umbridge completely ignored her for a few minutes, but when the entire class started looking at her raised hand, Umbridge came walking over to her. "You had a question about the chapter, dear?" she asked.

"Excuse me, ma'am," said Cho, in the politest voice she could muster. "But it says nothing about using defensive magic."

"Using defensive magic, my dear?" simpered Umbridge. "When would you be expected to USE defensive magic in my classroom?"

"If we're going to be attacked, ma'am ..." started Cho.

"There will be no attacks in my classroom, dear," said Umbridge sweetly.

"But what about when we get into the big world?" asked Cho quietly.

"You will not get attacked in the "big world," Miss ..."

"Chang."

"Miss Chang. There is no one out there that will attack you. All this talk of dark wizards is a lie."

Cho's fury was so huge that she felt it wanting to burst out of her. Once again she saw Cedric, still, limp, motionless, all the life and love gone from his face. "Cedric," she choked out, not being able to stop herself.

"My dear," said Umbridge, "I know that you were very close to Cedric. You were his ... ah ... significant other? Well, I must say that his death was very unfortunate. It was a tragic, tragic accident."

Cho wanted to scream, no, it wasn't! but knew defeat when she saw it. She could see Amanda and Meghan with "oh, no, Cho's going on about Cedric again" looks on their faces. Marietta, however, was looking at her with sympathy.

"Now," said Umbridge, "now that is cleared up, you will all continue reading."

Cho tried to do so, but couldn't concentrate. She remembered holding Cedric's hand, screaming at him to wake up. She remembered the devastated Diggorys, their faces ashen with shock. She remembered the look of surprise on her soulmate's handsome face, as if what had hit him was entirely unexpected. She remembered how long he and Harry had been gone from the maze after they'd taken the Triwizard Cup together. How could the Ministry ignore the facts like this? What did THEY think happened to the two boys while they were missing for all that time?

xxx

Cho went through the rest of the day in a haze. But it was at dinner when she got a surprise.

"Whoa, did you hear?" Roger Davies said from across the Ravenclaw table. "I heard that Harry Potter shouted at Umbridge!"

"Ooh, what about?" asked Meghan, always one for hearing juicy gossip.

"He basically screamed at her that You-Know-Who came back and that Diggory was murdered," said another boy in Roger's year, David.

"Good," said Cho, and all her anger at Harry from earlier this morning suddenly evaporated. "He's really brave. What happened to him?"

"Detention," answered Roger. "Apparently every night this week."

What a savage, savage old hag, Cho thought to herself. At least Harry was standing up for what was right, and Cho wanted to walk up to him and congratulate him. She saw him sitting at the Gryffindor table with his faithful friends, looking miserable, and she felt really sorry for him.

xxx

The rest of the week went by for Cho quite miserably. Classes were especially hard this year, and Umbridge kept simpering on and on that the students do nothing but read their textbooks. Cho was getting heartily sick of it. Also, she kept bursting into tears at certain times, dashing off to the bathroom when she least expected it. Marietta was now her only friend, it seemed; she was the only one who seemed to give a damn about her feelings. The others had deserted her now that she wasn't the cheerful, happy-go-lucky Cho anymore.

On Saturday, Cho awoke, had breakfast, and wrote a letter to her mum. She'd been so preoccupied with things this year that she'd only just remembered it was her mum's birthday. She'd owl-ordered the beautiful mug which was her present a few days ago, but she'd almost forgotten to send it off today. So she went to the owlery.

When she opened the door, it was to come face-to-face, once again, with Harry Potter. When she spotted him, he looked shocked, and he blushed scarlet. "Hi," he said.

"Oh ... hi," she said, breathless. "I didn't think anyone would be up here this early. ... I only remembered five minutes ago, it's my mum's birthday." She held up the parcel as proof.

"Right," said Harry. "Nice here," he added, looking out the window.

"Yeah," Cho replied. "Good Quidditch conditions. I haven't been out all week, have you?"

Quidditch was a good topic, Cho mused, but just thinking about actually being on her broom caused her insides to shrivel up. Feeling the sun upon her face and the wind in her hair would only remind her of the memories of Cedric which would make her cry all over again. And the last time she'd been on that pitch ... she didn't even want to think about it.

"No," Harry answered.

Cho selected a school barn owl and tied the parcel and the letter to its leg. "Hey, has Gryffindor got a new Keeper yet?" she asked.

"Yeah," said Harry. "It's my friend Ron Weasley, do you know him?"

"The Tornado-hater?" said Cho rather frostily, humiliation filling her as she remembered the unpleasant incident. "Is he any good?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "I think so. I didn't see his tryout, though, I was in detention."

Anger filled Cho's entire being again as she said in a low voice, "That Umbridge woman's foul. Putting you in detention just because you told the truth about how-how-how he died. Everyone heard about it, it was all over the school. You were really brave standing up to her like that."

Harry flushed embarrassedly as he helped her tie the rest of her parcel onto the owl's leg. He said nothing, but Cho knew he'd appreciated her words.

At that moment, Filch the caretaker came wheezing into the room, his cat, Mrs. Norris, at his heels. He looked as though he'd run a marathon to get here.

"Aha!" he bellowed, glowering at Harry. "I've had a tip-off that you are intending to place a massive order for Dungbombs!"

"Who told you I was ordering dungbombs?" Harry demanded. Cho looked from Harry to Filch, a frown on her face; this was really odd.

"I have my sources," growled Filch. "Now hand over whatever it is you're sending."

"I can't, it's gone," Harry replied, not being able to help a little smugness from leaking into his tone.

"GONE?" barked Filch, his face full of fury.

"Gone," said Harry calmly.

Filch raked his eyes over Harry's robes. "How do I know you haven't got it in your pocket?" he snarled.

"Because ..."

"I saw him send it," said Cho angrily. She'd always hated Filch; he was a nasty piece of work. And Harry had done nothing wrong.

Filch rounded on her. "You saw him ..."

"That's right, I saw him," she said ferociously.

Cho and Filch then had a glaring contest, each looking at the other with hatred. Then Filch made to walk out of the room, his hand on the door handle. "If I get so much as a whiff of a dungbomb ..." he threatened, stomping down the stairs.

Harry and Cho looked at each other. "Thanks," Harry said.

"No problem," Cho said. "You weren't ordering dungbombs, were you?"

"No," Harry replied.

"I wonder why he thought you were, then?" said Cho confusedly.

Harry shrugged, and the two left the owlery together. At the entrance to one of the many corridors, Cho said, "I'm going this way. Well, I'll ... I'll see you around, Harry."

"Yeah ... see you," Harry said, and Cho made her way back to Ravenclaw Tower. What an odd, odd turn of events, she thought.

xxx

Later that day was Quidditch practice. When Cho got onto the Quidditch pitch, all thoughts of her conversation with Harry in the owlery vanished, and it was replaced by images of Cedric's cold body. If only her parents had seen his eyes lifelessly staring, staring, staring like that ... maybe then they'd understand.

Roger Davies was the captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, and he tried his best to cheer up Cho as they flew around the pitch. Cho had considered Roger a big brother since the start of Hogwarts; when she'd been homesick her first year, he had helped her get over it. He could now see the heartache on her face as the wind swept through her hair.

She could remember how alive Cedric had been, and they had chased each other around the pitch. "Can't catch me!" he had laughed, and she'd replied with, "Wanna bet?" They had then shared many minutes of laughter and love, and the joy on their faces had been palpable. But now Cho was left with an empty, lonely feeling, and tears moistened her face as Roger gave instructions. She knew that she wasn't flying her best, and she wouldn't be surprised if she got kicked off the team.

Today was a beautiful day; the sun was shining high in the sky, and there were no clouds visible at all. Birds were singing, and a gentle breeze was blowing. It filled her with such immense sadness that it was actually overwhelming, and she lost her concentration and almost fell off her broom.

In the letter she'd written to her mother today, as well as wishing her a happy birthday, she'd also told her all about the audacity of Dolores Umbridge and what she was making everyone do. She knew her mother didn't believe You-Know-Who was back, but surely she'd see how ludicrous this whole thing was. Umbridge was not making the situation better at all, she was making it far, far worse. When Voldemort did come out in the open, he would have the upper hand; nobody would know how to defend themselves, and it would all be Umbridge's stupid fault.

After practice was over, Cho dismounted from her broom. She'd never felt happier to be off the Quidditch pitch as she went into the locker room. Tears stung her eyes as she passed the spot where she had seen Cedric's motionless body. Roger walked beside her and tried to engross her in conversation, but Cho wasn't listening. With a huge pang, she realized that Roger was wearing the same cologne that Cedric had always worn. She remembered the scent of it lingering on her after he had wrapped his arms around her and given her a big, warm hug.

And with that memory, Cho swiftly left Roger's side and ran to the ladies' locker rooms, tears streaming down her face. How, she thought desperately, is life supposed to get better? It's just getting worse, and I can't cope anymore. She threw her Quidditch uniform off and proceeded to change, all the while still sobbing and missing Cedric. Nothing in the world will ever mend my heart, she told herself miserably. Nothing.


End file.
